The BabyCenter 7: Best ways to avoid spoiling your kids
by Melanie HaikenLast updated: February 2008
Love knows no limits, right? Wrong! If you want to raise well-mannered children, you'll need to establish some ground rules. Nip bad behaviors in the bud with these seven steps:
1. Set clear, simple limitsThink of it this way: If you leave no room for reinterpretation, you save yourself arguing later. Listen to the difference between "Oh okay, you can have a cookie..." (plenty of room for hope that a second one might be okay) and "You can have one cookie, but don't ask me for a second one. This is it."
2. Stick to those limits no matter whatOne really means one. It's happened to all of us: We say no to more than one cookie, and then we start second-guessing ourselves. The trick here is to take a long-term view. Maybe a second cookie really would be okay just this once, but do you really want to be second-guessed every time you set a limit? That will happen if you change your story.
3. Never give in to beggingThis one's simple — once you do, you've taught your child that begging works, right?
4. Make your child convince youIf she wants something you're not sure about, ask her to make a case for it. She wants to watch a favorite TV show? If she explains that all her homework is done and she's practiced piano, you can feel comfortable saying yes.
5. Require that chores get done before funYou don't do your child any favors by being a softy. Studies show that being strict on chores and responsibilities helps him develop the ability to cope with frustration.
6. Don't be afraid to disappointWe hate to see our kids sad, but the Stones said it best: You can't always get what you want. And studies show that learning to accept disappointment will give your child important coping skills to deal with emotional stress later in life.
7. Let them work for what they wantMany experts believe that kids become spoiled when things come too easily, encouraging them to take those things for granted. If your child wants a new bike, set up a reward system for good behavior and let him earn it bit by bit.
Showing posts with label Parenting Tips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting Tips. Show all posts
Sunday, January 25, 2009
What's your discipline style?
What's your discipline style?by Evonne LackLast updated: March 2008
HighlightsSimilarities in discipline theoriesWhere the discipline theories differFive basic discipline philosophies
Discipline is one of the toughest challenges of parenthood. It can frustrate, discourage, and humble you. When faced with the challenges of getting your toddler, preschooler, or big kid to behave, you may look back on the gritty baby months with utter nostalgia and wonder why you ever thought feeding and sleeping dilemmas were so tough.The right expert advice can be instructive and reassuring. It's just a matter of finding a philosophy that fits your personal style.
But how do you choose when the discipline field appears to be one big, messy mishmash of information?You'll be relieved to know that you don't have to pick just one discipline style. You may like certain aspects of several different discipline styles. It's okay to select the things you like and leave the rest.Also, it's important to pay attention to how you feel when you read about a particular style. For example, Brooklyn mom Popi Pustilnik says, "One book made me feel like such a failure that I threw it across the room." She then turned to a book with a completely different approach and felt much more hopeful. "It was a much better fit for me," she says.
Our quick-read chart of discipline styles: read it online or print it now.Start by learning about a few of the major "categories" of discipline philosophies. Once you get a handle on these, it will be easier to choose books that are a good fit for you.
Similarities in discipline theories
Although the discipline field is vast, many of the most popular discipline books address similar themes. Here are some of the big ones:
1. Aim for the middle ground between being too punitive and too permissive.
2. Don't use physical punishments like spanking and slapping.
3. Don't use psychological punishments such as name-calling and insults.
4. When you or your child spiral out of control, take time to cool off.
5. Offer choices.
6. Learn how to manage your own anger.
7. Provide encouragement and positive feedback.
8. Let your child experience consequences to behavior.
9. Don't hold grudges. Once the behavior has been dealt with, give your child a clean slate.
Where the discipline theories differ
One expert suggests that time-outs last a minute for each year of your child's age, while another says your child should decide how long the time-out lasts. One book instructs you to firmly tell your child, "No hitting," and another book cautions against using negative words like "no" and "don't." One author promotes the use of rewards, whereas another says rewards are nothing more than bribes.The wide variety of advice can be frustrating and confusing, but it also proves that there's no one right way to discipline. You are the true expert on what works for you and for your children. While professional advice is helpful, it needs to match your own intuition and ideals.
Five basic discipline philosophies
Take a look at these categories of discipline approaches and see what appeals to you:
1. Boundary-based discipline: Children need boundaries to feel safe. If they don't know where the boundaries are, they'll "test" until they find them. "What happens if I throw my spoon?" a toddler wonders, clanging his spoon noisily onto the floor. "Hmm ... not much of a reaction. How about if I throw my entire plate?" An older child might test limits by leaving her colored pencils in a glorious mess on the rug, or by taking several decades to get ready in the mornings.Clearly communicate your boundaries (for example, "Please put my things back in my purse when you're done looking at them"). If this doesn't do the trick, follow through with a consequence. Try to make the consequence a logical fit for the behavior. For example, if your child leaves your wallet, hairbrush, and car keys strewn around the living room floor, she loses purse-inspection privileges for a while.Use "natural consequences," too.
For example, if your child forgets his lunch box, don't rush it to school. Instead, let him experience the consequences.Provide "limited choices" to give your child some wiggle room. Suppose your 5-year-old is loudly banging on her electronic toy piano, with the volume on maximum. Through your migraine, you respectfully ask her to turn it down. She ignores you. Offer a choice: "You can either turn the volume down now, or I'll put the piano away until tomorrow." This puts the responsibility in her hands.
2. Gentle discipline: A child can't learn much about behavior when she's screaming and crying. She (and you) can benefit greatly from daily preventive techniques — strategies that reduce opportunities for misbehavior. For example, create routines so that your child feels grounded. Offer choices to give her a sense of control, such as, "Would you like to wear the red pajamas or the blue?" Give warnings before transitions, as in, "We need to leave the playground in five minutes."Frame your requests positively. For example, say, "Please use your big girl voice," instead of, "Don't whine." When possible, use "when, then" statements instead of outright no's, as in, "When we're done with dinner, then we can go outside."When misbehavior occurs, turn to diffusion. First see if there's an underlying problem, such as tiredness, boredom, or hunger. Once you address this need, the misbehavior may magically disappear.If not, turn to what author Elizabeth Pantley calls a "laundry bag" of tricks. This is a large collection, including silly games, distraction, redirection, validation, and self-soothing. You can pull a trick out of your hat — er, laundry bag — whenever it's time to derail your child from the misbehavior train. For example, if he refuses to take a bath, try making the washcloth "talk" to him in a playful voice. If this doesn't work, you can try something else, such as validation and redirection ("It's hard when you have to do something you don't want to do. How about if we see how quickly we can get it done? I'll get a clock.")
3. Positive discipline: Children behave well when they feel encouraged and have a sense of belonging. Misbehavior happens when children are feeling discouraged.Talk with your child and try to find out what the underlying cause is for her misbehavior. For example, suppose your 3-year-old refuses to bring her plate to the sink. Is she afraid she'll break the plate? Is she trying to get attention? Perhaps it gives her a sense of power. Or maybe she's hurt about something else and is trying to "get you back."Once you know the reason, you give her the right kind of encouragement and work out a solution. For example, if she's struggling with powerlessness, you could encourage her by saying, "We need to get the table clean. Can you help me figure out how to do it?"In positive discipline, misbehavior is seen as an opportunity for learning, and children are actively engaged in coming up with a solution. It's okay for a child to enjoy the solution — in fact, it's preferable.F or example, if your 8-year-old spills soda on the couch and the two of you decide that the solution is for him to steam-clean the stain (using his allowance to pay for the steamer rental), he might enjoy this task. This doesn't mean he'll continue to spill soda on the couch in order to get to use the steamer. It means he's learning how to take responsibility for a mistake — and better yet, he's invested in his own learning.
4. Emotion-coaching: When children can recognize and understand their own feelings, they make better choices. You can teach your child to do this, and it will help strengthen the connection between the two of you.Know your own standards for what is and is not acceptable behavior. Make sure you're up front with your child about these, and talk with him about some of the feelings he might experience in certain situations.For example, if he's been known to hit other kids and several friends are coming over, you might explain that it could get overwhelming for him. Suggest to him that if he starts to feel frustrated, he can spend some quiet time in his room — but hitting the other children is not acceptable.Learn the skill of empathy. This means putting yourself in your child's shoes: What are the "real feelings" behind her misbehavior? Reflect these back to her, as in, "It's hard when we really want something and we can't have it. I bet you're feeling really disappointed right now."When your child feels that you understand her, she'll trust you. Within this context of trust, she'll be open to you when you teach her about responsible choices. ("We can't buy candy every time we see it. Too much candy isn't good for our bodies.")
5. Behavior modification: Positive reinforcement helps children increase good behavior and negative reinforcement helps them decrease misbehavior. This approach is similar to boundary-based discipline in that it emphasizes clear limits and backing them up with consequences. But in behavior modification, there's more emphasis on warnings and rewards.Use warnings to help your child take responsibility for stopping the misbehavior on his own. For example, if your child is arguing with you because you told him he can't have a cookie before dinner, don't get caught up in the skirmish. Tell him to stop arguing about it, and that this is his first "warning." If he persists, give him a second warning, and if he doesn't stop, calmly tell him to take a time-out (these should be brief — just a few minutes long).For more "serious offenses," come up with a consequence other than time-out. For example, if your child persistently teases the dog and is old enough to know better, you might take away her television privileges for a couple of days.Rewards motivate your child to do well. This could be as simple as parental praise. In some cases you might want to set up a charting system with more tangible rewards. For example, for every morning that your child is ready on time to go to daycare, she gets a star in her chart. When she racks up five stars, she gets a treat.
These brief descriptions don't tell the whole story, of course. It's not as if boundary-based discipline doesn't include preventive techniques — it does. And gentle discipline includes the use of consequences.In fact, all of these styles overlap. The differences are more a matter of what they emphasize. Think about the primary colors — red, blue, and yellow. They contain no common elements. Discipline philosophies are more like secondary colors (orange, purple, green), which contain blends of more than one hue. Some may have a dash more red, and others may pour on the blue. What color will your discipline style be?
HighlightsSimilarities in discipline theoriesWhere the discipline theories differFive basic discipline philosophies
Discipline is one of the toughest challenges of parenthood. It can frustrate, discourage, and humble you. When faced with the challenges of getting your toddler, preschooler, or big kid to behave, you may look back on the gritty baby months with utter nostalgia and wonder why you ever thought feeding and sleeping dilemmas were so tough.The right expert advice can be instructive and reassuring. It's just a matter of finding a philosophy that fits your personal style.
But how do you choose when the discipline field appears to be one big, messy mishmash of information?You'll be relieved to know that you don't have to pick just one discipline style. You may like certain aspects of several different discipline styles. It's okay to select the things you like and leave the rest.Also, it's important to pay attention to how you feel when you read about a particular style. For example, Brooklyn mom Popi Pustilnik says, "One book made me feel like such a failure that I threw it across the room." She then turned to a book with a completely different approach and felt much more hopeful. "It was a much better fit for me," she says.
Our quick-read chart of discipline styles: read it online or print it now.Start by learning about a few of the major "categories" of discipline philosophies. Once you get a handle on these, it will be easier to choose books that are a good fit for you.
Similarities in discipline theories
Although the discipline field is vast, many of the most popular discipline books address similar themes. Here are some of the big ones:
1. Aim for the middle ground between being too punitive and too permissive.
2. Don't use physical punishments like spanking and slapping.
3. Don't use psychological punishments such as name-calling and insults.
4. When you or your child spiral out of control, take time to cool off.
5. Offer choices.
6. Learn how to manage your own anger.
7. Provide encouragement and positive feedback.
8. Let your child experience consequences to behavior.
9. Don't hold grudges. Once the behavior has been dealt with, give your child a clean slate.
Where the discipline theories differ
One expert suggests that time-outs last a minute for each year of your child's age, while another says your child should decide how long the time-out lasts. One book instructs you to firmly tell your child, "No hitting," and another book cautions against using negative words like "no" and "don't." One author promotes the use of rewards, whereas another says rewards are nothing more than bribes.The wide variety of advice can be frustrating and confusing, but it also proves that there's no one right way to discipline. You are the true expert on what works for you and for your children. While professional advice is helpful, it needs to match your own intuition and ideals.
Five basic discipline philosophies
Take a look at these categories of discipline approaches and see what appeals to you:
1. Boundary-based discipline: Children need boundaries to feel safe. If they don't know where the boundaries are, they'll "test" until they find them. "What happens if I throw my spoon?" a toddler wonders, clanging his spoon noisily onto the floor. "Hmm ... not much of a reaction. How about if I throw my entire plate?" An older child might test limits by leaving her colored pencils in a glorious mess on the rug, or by taking several decades to get ready in the mornings.Clearly communicate your boundaries (for example, "Please put my things back in my purse when you're done looking at them"). If this doesn't do the trick, follow through with a consequence. Try to make the consequence a logical fit for the behavior. For example, if your child leaves your wallet, hairbrush, and car keys strewn around the living room floor, she loses purse-inspection privileges for a while.Use "natural consequences," too.
For example, if your child forgets his lunch box, don't rush it to school. Instead, let him experience the consequences.Provide "limited choices" to give your child some wiggle room. Suppose your 5-year-old is loudly banging on her electronic toy piano, with the volume on maximum. Through your migraine, you respectfully ask her to turn it down. She ignores you. Offer a choice: "You can either turn the volume down now, or I'll put the piano away until tomorrow." This puts the responsibility in her hands.
2. Gentle discipline: A child can't learn much about behavior when she's screaming and crying. She (and you) can benefit greatly from daily preventive techniques — strategies that reduce opportunities for misbehavior. For example, create routines so that your child feels grounded. Offer choices to give her a sense of control, such as, "Would you like to wear the red pajamas or the blue?" Give warnings before transitions, as in, "We need to leave the playground in five minutes."Frame your requests positively. For example, say, "Please use your big girl voice," instead of, "Don't whine." When possible, use "when, then" statements instead of outright no's, as in, "When we're done with dinner, then we can go outside."When misbehavior occurs, turn to diffusion. First see if there's an underlying problem, such as tiredness, boredom, or hunger. Once you address this need, the misbehavior may magically disappear.If not, turn to what author Elizabeth Pantley calls a "laundry bag" of tricks. This is a large collection, including silly games, distraction, redirection, validation, and self-soothing. You can pull a trick out of your hat — er, laundry bag — whenever it's time to derail your child from the misbehavior train. For example, if he refuses to take a bath, try making the washcloth "talk" to him in a playful voice. If this doesn't work, you can try something else, such as validation and redirection ("It's hard when you have to do something you don't want to do. How about if we see how quickly we can get it done? I'll get a clock.")
3. Positive discipline: Children behave well when they feel encouraged and have a sense of belonging. Misbehavior happens when children are feeling discouraged.Talk with your child and try to find out what the underlying cause is for her misbehavior. For example, suppose your 3-year-old refuses to bring her plate to the sink. Is she afraid she'll break the plate? Is she trying to get attention? Perhaps it gives her a sense of power. Or maybe she's hurt about something else and is trying to "get you back."Once you know the reason, you give her the right kind of encouragement and work out a solution. For example, if she's struggling with powerlessness, you could encourage her by saying, "We need to get the table clean. Can you help me figure out how to do it?"In positive discipline, misbehavior is seen as an opportunity for learning, and children are actively engaged in coming up with a solution. It's okay for a child to enjoy the solution — in fact, it's preferable.F or example, if your 8-year-old spills soda on the couch and the two of you decide that the solution is for him to steam-clean the stain (using his allowance to pay for the steamer rental), he might enjoy this task. This doesn't mean he'll continue to spill soda on the couch in order to get to use the steamer. It means he's learning how to take responsibility for a mistake — and better yet, he's invested in his own learning.
4. Emotion-coaching: When children can recognize and understand their own feelings, they make better choices. You can teach your child to do this, and it will help strengthen the connection between the two of you.Know your own standards for what is and is not acceptable behavior. Make sure you're up front with your child about these, and talk with him about some of the feelings he might experience in certain situations.For example, if he's been known to hit other kids and several friends are coming over, you might explain that it could get overwhelming for him. Suggest to him that if he starts to feel frustrated, he can spend some quiet time in his room — but hitting the other children is not acceptable.Learn the skill of empathy. This means putting yourself in your child's shoes: What are the "real feelings" behind her misbehavior? Reflect these back to her, as in, "It's hard when we really want something and we can't have it. I bet you're feeling really disappointed right now."When your child feels that you understand her, she'll trust you. Within this context of trust, she'll be open to you when you teach her about responsible choices. ("We can't buy candy every time we see it. Too much candy isn't good for our bodies.")
5. Behavior modification: Positive reinforcement helps children increase good behavior and negative reinforcement helps them decrease misbehavior. This approach is similar to boundary-based discipline in that it emphasizes clear limits and backing them up with consequences. But in behavior modification, there's more emphasis on warnings and rewards.Use warnings to help your child take responsibility for stopping the misbehavior on his own. For example, if your child is arguing with you because you told him he can't have a cookie before dinner, don't get caught up in the skirmish. Tell him to stop arguing about it, and that this is his first "warning." If he persists, give him a second warning, and if he doesn't stop, calmly tell him to take a time-out (these should be brief — just a few minutes long).For more "serious offenses," come up with a consequence other than time-out. For example, if your child persistently teases the dog and is old enough to know better, you might take away her television privileges for a couple of days.Rewards motivate your child to do well. This could be as simple as parental praise. In some cases you might want to set up a charting system with more tangible rewards. For example, for every morning that your child is ready on time to go to daycare, she gets a star in her chart. When she racks up five stars, she gets a treat.
These brief descriptions don't tell the whole story, of course. It's not as if boundary-based discipline doesn't include preventive techniques — it does. And gentle discipline includes the use of consequences.In fact, all of these styles overlap. The differences are more a matter of what they emphasize. Think about the primary colors — red, blue, and yellow. They contain no common elements. Discipline philosophies are more like secondary colors (orange, purple, green), which contain blends of more than one hue. Some may have a dash more red, and others may pour on the blue. What color will your discipline style be?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
When a child acts out in public to get their way
When your child acts out in public to get their way, you CAN get control back. Here, James Lehman, MSW lays out some step-by-step techniques for you to use next time you hit the mall or grocery store.
I’ve worked with many parents over the years who routinely gave in when their children acted out. One mother I met, I’ll call her Linda*, had a twelve-year-old son who often used emotional blackmail and threats of misbehavior to get his way. Linda dreaded taking him to the mall, because she knew she’d end up buying him anything he asked for in an effort to keep him from calling her names, stomping and yelling at her, and making a scene that left her feeling humiliated and powerless. In effect, her son’s behavior was holding her hostage.
Remember this: When you don’t give in to your child, they have to figure out another way to solve their problem.
So what happens if we always respond to this type of behavior by backing down? Your child learns that if he misbehaves or threatens to misbehave, that will solve his problem, because somebody’s going to give in. Make no mistake, the message you’re sending your child is that misbehavior works. When your child acts out in public, if they’re not responded to in an effective way, they develop a pattern of behavior where they learn how to blackmail you to give them their way. And their mindset is, “Give me my way or face my acting out.” That may involve yelling, screaming and tantrums if they’re younger. It may be angry faces and a disgusted tone, disrespectful remarks and even cursing when they get older. Either way, the whole game they’re playing involves using behavior to try to control outside circumstances, instead of learning how to solve the problems they face.
When kids learn this lesson, there are two outcomes. Your child discovers there’s absolutely no reason to change, no reason to mature. And every time you reward them for misbehavior, you’re making that portion of your child’s personality stronger. That’s right: you’re actually strengthening the part of them that wants to misbehave and that doesn’t want to follow social rules or be civilized. In fact, you can look at parenting in that way: our role is to teach our children the rules of how to be civilized and live in our society. And in our culture, we go to the mall, we go shopping, we treat people with respect, and we behave in an acceptable manner. When you give in to inappropriate behavior, your child grows up without the coping skills to deal with the difficult situations that life presents.
The other thing that you need to understand is that when your child uses acting out as a problem-solving skill, they are not learning how to develop other more appropriate problem solving skills. Kids will throw a tantrum when they’re frustrated or upset—that happens. But whether they’re throwing a fit because they’re frustrated, upset or overwhelmed, the same rules still apply. If you give in, you’re simply teaching your child to continue acting out in public.
A Word about Younger KidsWhen children between the age of two and three throw a tantrum, there should be no consequences other than to have them sit some place until they calm down. When most younger children get tired and overwhelmed, they have a hard time controlling their emotions. It’s part of a parent’s responsibility to know their kid, know how much stimulation they can take, and when they’re tired or hungry and need to leave.
When I’m at the mall or downtown where I live, in the late afternoon I’ll see little kids around the age of three, four, or five years old crying or really shutting down. I think most parents recognize that their kids are overly tired. But the adult mind manages stimulation very differently than a child’s mind. We know how to compartmentalize everything and weigh things out. For kids, stimulation comes at them like a wave. And being in a mall is like being at the circus for a child. I think that parents have to be aware of that and be tolerant of some frustration their kids will express. Parents also need to learn how to either avoid those situations or find ways to manage them.
When your young child throws a tantrum, whether it’s because he’s tired or because he’s angry at not getting his way, the management skills are the same: You wait it out. You give a little reassurance. You don’t give in.
5 Techniques to Help You Manage Your Child’s Acting Out Behavior
Remember, you’re the expert on your child. You know what makes your child tired. You know the extra help he needs. And you know the situations that are frustrating for him. Prepare your child before you go into any new or stimulating situation. Say, “If you start getting frustrated, let me know. We’ll take a rest. All right? If you get frustrated, if you can’t handle it, let me know, we’ll go home. And if you throw a tantrum, this is what I’m going to do.” I think by being realistic about your child’s temperament and discussing plans with them ahead of time, you can really enhance your ability to manage situations in public.
Train your child by taking small steps first. I think if parents have a child who acts out in public, you want to try what’s called a “slow immersion.” So in other words, if this kid can’t handle going to the mall, take him to the drug store first. Say, “Let’s see how you handle this. We’re going in for five or ten minutes.” Lay the rules down. That way you’re not at the mall, you’re in a more manageable location and you’re close by your child. Start to train them by taking small steps, by coaching them in little pieces: little pieces of learning how to socialize and solve problems and act like everybody else.
Write the Rules Down and Keep Them Handy. Before you even go into public, I think you need to decide what your limits are for your child in terms of behavior. Let them know exactly what’s going to happen. For pre-teen kids and under, keep a 4x6 index card in your car with 3 rules on it:
1. Respond to first request.
2. Accept “no” for an answer.
3. Don’t raise your voice or misbehave physically.
Read that card in the car before you go inside the mall or store. That one small act is going to help your child keep it together; reading the rules to them is like lending them structure. You can’t assume that kids are going to recall information that will help them change. Here’s another way of looking at it: Let’s say you’re speeding and you get a ticket. The assumption is that the next time you’re in a hurry, you’re going to remember how it felt to pay that ticket and you won’t speed. Even though that may be true, each state still has the speed limit posted every five miles. So give your child consistent reminders that will keep them focused.
When the rules are broken. If your child breaks the rules when you’re out, I would take them out of the department store. If they throw a tantrum, I would stay with them in that tantrum and when they are done, I would take them out of the mall. At this point, the show is over; there’s no way there’s going to be any more shopping. With younger kids, you can just hold their hand and take them to the car. But if they resist you, don’t get physical. Let them throw their tantrum. Have a seat, watch the show. And if people ask questions say, “He’s throwing a tantrum and there’s nothing I can do.” I think parents have to do that every time until the acting out in public stops. If possible, bring a magazine or a book so that the child can see that he's not getting your attention through that inappropriate behavior.
Let me assure you that I know how embarrassing this can be for parents. But you have to understand, your child also knows how uncomfortable their behavior makes you; that’s how your child is blackmailing you. So, in their mind it’s, “Let me have my way or I’m going to blackmail you in front of all these adults. I’m going to embarrass you and make you uncomfortable.” It’s just that simple. And you need to stop letting them hold you hostage with their behavior.
Remember this: When you don’t give in to your child, they have to figure out another way to solve their problem.
Leave them at home. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with leaving your child at home with proper supervision and telling them, “You can’t come today because you can’t handle it. You made a scene last time we went shopping and so today you’re staying home.” And if your child promises and begs and swears, say, “No, let's see how you behave staying at home. If you handle that OK, then we'll see.” And make them sit at home. Make them understand that you’re not going to be blackmailed and that you’re strong—and that when you make decisions, you’re going to stick with them.
Here’s the simple truth: when children resort to inappropriate behavior to get their way, they don’t learn how to solve problems. And when they don’t learn this skill, they go into adulthood with a real handicap. You see many adults who only know how to get angry and yell at each other whenever there’s emotional stress. Part of that is because they have very poor communication skills and very poor problem-solving skills. When confronted with a problem, they only know how to avoid it, which means they let it build up on the inside until they explode.
So make up your mind that you’re not going to let your child hold you hostage with their misbehavior. Don’t give in to emotional blackmail when your child threatens to act out. I tell parents to think of it this way: your child has got to get to bed tonight without a crisis. That’s their goal. And our goal as a parent is the same thing: to get to bed tonight without a crisis and to teach our children the skills they need. If you can do that, then you’re all set.
I’ve worked with many parents over the years who routinely gave in when their children acted out. One mother I met, I’ll call her Linda*, had a twelve-year-old son who often used emotional blackmail and threats of misbehavior to get his way. Linda dreaded taking him to the mall, because she knew she’d end up buying him anything he asked for in an effort to keep him from calling her names, stomping and yelling at her, and making a scene that left her feeling humiliated and powerless. In effect, her son’s behavior was holding her hostage.
Remember this: When you don’t give in to your child, they have to figure out another way to solve their problem.
So what happens if we always respond to this type of behavior by backing down? Your child learns that if he misbehaves or threatens to misbehave, that will solve his problem, because somebody’s going to give in. Make no mistake, the message you’re sending your child is that misbehavior works. When your child acts out in public, if they’re not responded to in an effective way, they develop a pattern of behavior where they learn how to blackmail you to give them their way. And their mindset is, “Give me my way or face my acting out.” That may involve yelling, screaming and tantrums if they’re younger. It may be angry faces and a disgusted tone, disrespectful remarks and even cursing when they get older. Either way, the whole game they’re playing involves using behavior to try to control outside circumstances, instead of learning how to solve the problems they face.
When kids learn this lesson, there are two outcomes. Your child discovers there’s absolutely no reason to change, no reason to mature. And every time you reward them for misbehavior, you’re making that portion of your child’s personality stronger. That’s right: you’re actually strengthening the part of them that wants to misbehave and that doesn’t want to follow social rules or be civilized. In fact, you can look at parenting in that way: our role is to teach our children the rules of how to be civilized and live in our society. And in our culture, we go to the mall, we go shopping, we treat people with respect, and we behave in an acceptable manner. When you give in to inappropriate behavior, your child grows up without the coping skills to deal with the difficult situations that life presents.
The other thing that you need to understand is that when your child uses acting out as a problem-solving skill, they are not learning how to develop other more appropriate problem solving skills. Kids will throw a tantrum when they’re frustrated or upset—that happens. But whether they’re throwing a fit because they’re frustrated, upset or overwhelmed, the same rules still apply. If you give in, you’re simply teaching your child to continue acting out in public.
A Word about Younger KidsWhen children between the age of two and three throw a tantrum, there should be no consequences other than to have them sit some place until they calm down. When most younger children get tired and overwhelmed, they have a hard time controlling their emotions. It’s part of a parent’s responsibility to know their kid, know how much stimulation they can take, and when they’re tired or hungry and need to leave.
When I’m at the mall or downtown where I live, in the late afternoon I’ll see little kids around the age of three, four, or five years old crying or really shutting down. I think most parents recognize that their kids are overly tired. But the adult mind manages stimulation very differently than a child’s mind. We know how to compartmentalize everything and weigh things out. For kids, stimulation comes at them like a wave. And being in a mall is like being at the circus for a child. I think that parents have to be aware of that and be tolerant of some frustration their kids will express. Parents also need to learn how to either avoid those situations or find ways to manage them.
When your young child throws a tantrum, whether it’s because he’s tired or because he’s angry at not getting his way, the management skills are the same: You wait it out. You give a little reassurance. You don’t give in.
5 Techniques to Help You Manage Your Child’s Acting Out Behavior
Remember, you’re the expert on your child. You know what makes your child tired. You know the extra help he needs. And you know the situations that are frustrating for him. Prepare your child before you go into any new or stimulating situation. Say, “If you start getting frustrated, let me know. We’ll take a rest. All right? If you get frustrated, if you can’t handle it, let me know, we’ll go home. And if you throw a tantrum, this is what I’m going to do.” I think by being realistic about your child’s temperament and discussing plans with them ahead of time, you can really enhance your ability to manage situations in public.
Train your child by taking small steps first. I think if parents have a child who acts out in public, you want to try what’s called a “slow immersion.” So in other words, if this kid can’t handle going to the mall, take him to the drug store first. Say, “Let’s see how you handle this. We’re going in for five or ten minutes.” Lay the rules down. That way you’re not at the mall, you’re in a more manageable location and you’re close by your child. Start to train them by taking small steps, by coaching them in little pieces: little pieces of learning how to socialize and solve problems and act like everybody else.
Write the Rules Down and Keep Them Handy. Before you even go into public, I think you need to decide what your limits are for your child in terms of behavior. Let them know exactly what’s going to happen. For pre-teen kids and under, keep a 4x6 index card in your car with 3 rules on it:
1. Respond to first request.
2. Accept “no” for an answer.
3. Don’t raise your voice or misbehave physically.
Read that card in the car before you go inside the mall or store. That one small act is going to help your child keep it together; reading the rules to them is like lending them structure. You can’t assume that kids are going to recall information that will help them change. Here’s another way of looking at it: Let’s say you’re speeding and you get a ticket. The assumption is that the next time you’re in a hurry, you’re going to remember how it felt to pay that ticket and you won’t speed. Even though that may be true, each state still has the speed limit posted every five miles. So give your child consistent reminders that will keep them focused.
When the rules are broken. If your child breaks the rules when you’re out, I would take them out of the department store. If they throw a tantrum, I would stay with them in that tantrum and when they are done, I would take them out of the mall. At this point, the show is over; there’s no way there’s going to be any more shopping. With younger kids, you can just hold their hand and take them to the car. But if they resist you, don’t get physical. Let them throw their tantrum. Have a seat, watch the show. And if people ask questions say, “He’s throwing a tantrum and there’s nothing I can do.” I think parents have to do that every time until the acting out in public stops. If possible, bring a magazine or a book so that the child can see that he's not getting your attention through that inappropriate behavior.
Let me assure you that I know how embarrassing this can be for parents. But you have to understand, your child also knows how uncomfortable their behavior makes you; that’s how your child is blackmailing you. So, in their mind it’s, “Let me have my way or I’m going to blackmail you in front of all these adults. I’m going to embarrass you and make you uncomfortable.” It’s just that simple. And you need to stop letting them hold you hostage with their behavior.
Remember this: When you don’t give in to your child, they have to figure out another way to solve their problem.
Leave them at home. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with leaving your child at home with proper supervision and telling them, “You can’t come today because you can’t handle it. You made a scene last time we went shopping and so today you’re staying home.” And if your child promises and begs and swears, say, “No, let's see how you behave staying at home. If you handle that OK, then we'll see.” And make them sit at home. Make them understand that you’re not going to be blackmailed and that you’re strong—and that when you make decisions, you’re going to stick with them.
Here’s the simple truth: when children resort to inappropriate behavior to get their way, they don’t learn how to solve problems. And when they don’t learn this skill, they go into adulthood with a real handicap. You see many adults who only know how to get angry and yell at each other whenever there’s emotional stress. Part of that is because they have very poor communication skills and very poor problem-solving skills. When confronted with a problem, they only know how to avoid it, which means they let it build up on the inside until they explode.
So make up your mind that you’re not going to let your child hold you hostage with their misbehavior. Don’t give in to emotional blackmail when your child threatens to act out. I tell parents to think of it this way: your child has got to get to bed tonight without a crisis. That’s their goal. And our goal as a parent is the same thing: to get to bed tonight without a crisis and to teach our children the skills they need. If you can do that, then you’re all set.
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